Animal Story: "Badgered"

Topic: Animals

You asked us to "...write a story prominently featuring an animal." Here is my attempt to do so.

“Badgered”

“Okay guys. It's question time,” Lt. Alan Brown told the small group of Iraqi reporters in the makeshift press area outside of the British Army headquarters in Az Zubayr.

The group of three reporters sitting in the green folding chairs in front of the music stand he used as a podium was the same group of reporters he had dealt with everyday for the last three months. They used to ask questions about the reconstruction funds or British withdrawal dates and the binder he brought with him to these sessions had the answers to those sorts of questions. But lately, their questions always focused on a new topic and it was a topic Lt. Brown didn’t care to get into again. But he didn’t think these reporters would cooperate with the preferences of a British spokesman.

“Mr. Alan sir, could you please address the rumors that are swirling ferociously and vigorously throughout Az Zubayr about your man-eating badger beasts,” the Iraqi reporter in a faded black suit and white sneakers asked in lightly accented English as he stood up from his folding chair.

“So we’re going to go down that road again are we, Mr. Al-Bayati? I thought we covered this last week,” Lt. Brown responded. For some reason, Abbas Al-Bayati always referred to him as Mr. Alan instead of Mr. Brown or Lt. Brown. No one knew why he did so, but it had become quite the joke around the office.

“Mr. Alan, sir. This is a most furiously pressing issue for the free peoples of the Republic of Iraq. The people demand an answer from the Coalition Authority about this vigorous threat to our people’s safety.”

“Okay, Mr. Al-Bayati, we will play this little game again. There are no verified reports of any witnesses seeing giant badgers roaming around anywhere inside the city of Az Zu….”

“But outside of the city?” Mr. Al-Bayati cut off Lt. Brown. Lt. Brown sighed.

“There are no verified reports of any witnesses seeing giant badgers roaming around outside of Az Zubayr either.”

“Yes Mr. Alan, sir, but the vigorous man-eating badger beasts appeared only after the occupation of Southern Iraq by the British army. Before you arrive, there are no reports of man-eating badger beasts, but after you arrive, there are many reports of man-eating badger beasts. People say that the beasts have attacked many livestock animals and many small children and people are very afraid to come out in the moonlight to face the man-eaters.”

“What exactly are you implying, Mr. Al-Bayati?”

“Mr. Alan, sir, I am asking if you have a comment about the many peoples that believe that the British Army released the ferocious man-eating badger beasts after coming to Iraq.”

“I just want to be clear here on what you are saying Mr. Al-Bayati. You think that her Majesty’s royal army released a pack of gigantic man-eating badgers to attack the civilian population of the Basra Province after that same army completely decimated Saddam Hussein’s real army in a normal war and if that same army chose to, it could easily kill every man, woman, and goat in city of Az Zubayr and the rest of the Basra Province.” He watched as they scribbled that quote down and he knew he was going to pay for that comment later when that quote reached the higher-ups.

“Some peoples, including myself, believe that, yes, Mr. Alan.”

“Mr. Al-Bayati, I can unequivocally state that Her Majesty’s government has not released gigantic, man-eating badgers into Az Zubayr or any other place on Earth or Iraq. We also haven’t released serpent eggs into the Euphrates or kidnapped cows to feed the udders to the six-armed, elephant-headed aliens that haunt all of our waking dreams,” Lt. Brown said.

“So that is a complete denial then about the man-eating badger beasts?”

“Yes, that is a complete denial,” Lt. Brown said as he stared down the reporter. He sighed and looked out at the other reporters. “Does any one here have a question about anything other than the badgers?”

After about ten seconds of silence, Lt. Brown closed his binder and walked away from the crowd. He continued walking even as the reporters screamed questions about the man-eating badger beasts. Lt. Brown walked until the voices of the reporters were a distant sound and he continued to walk for twenty or thirty minutes until he reached a somewhat desolate part of town.

Before the introduction of the Americans’ newest idea, the buildings in this part of town could be very dangerous place because of the insurgent activity. Well, maybe it was Saddam's idea and Americans stole it, but either way, the area now felt almost completely empty.

Lt. Brown walked up to one of the alleys between the abandoned low-rise buildings, drew his sidearm, and began to whistle the tune of the song, "Hitler Has Only Got One Ball." He continued to whistle for several minutes while peering into the alley.

Lt. Brown then heard a sound behind him and he turned to see what it was. As soon as he turned, he saw three large badgers walking towards him in a near unison of step. They were each about the size of small child with fur covered in grime, sand, and faded stains of red on their paws and mouth. Lt. Brown kept his handgun drawn as the badgers came close enough for them to jump at him, but stayed far enough away to be out of his arm’s reach.

“Now guys, I thought we already talked about this problem you have with kids and cows,” Lt. Brown said aloud as he used his free hand to sign the words in American Sign Language.